my life has taken me down alot of different paths, but none have been as important as the one that led me to the cross.......where Mercy met Grace. come follow along as i advocate and share my passion for the unloved and unwanted orphans in this world.
"I prayed for this child and the LORD has granted me what I asked of Him" 1Samuel 1:27
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit, and thats just not me. I always look so forward to this season. I love the music, I love the lights, I love getting the REAL tree and decorating it, I love all 7 kids plus 2 spouses (and 1 almost spouse) being home at the same time, and I love watching Cole having so much fun with his most favorite time of the year. But this year i just can't get past the heaviness, the burden i guess you could say, that i feel in my heart for these kids that i can't get off my mind. I even said to Rick the other night that i wish He (the Lord) would just take all of this away from me. Take away my caring and my passion for them, just let me forget about them. Then the guilt hit me that i could even think that......much less actually say it. Bottom line is.....i want to ACT on my feelings. i want to jump in with both feet. i want to take another leap of faith. For me the question of what should we do or what would God tell us to do has already been answered over and over. Some say i should be content with the fact that i did act 15 yrs.ago when i brought Cole home from Lithuania. That somehow that should exempt me from feeling led to do this again. But it doesn't. The past 15 years i have never once forgotten or not thought about doing this again. But to be honest, there was no way then and i knew that. Having Cole has been life changing. Not just for me but for others in my family too. The blessings he has brought to us are unmeasurable. BUT, it has not all been easy. It has been physically, mentally and emotionally draining at times. When he was younger it was especially hard and many times i found myself sitting in the kitchen floor in tears. (don't know why the kitchen?!!) But let me tell you, it never failed that just when i would break, this little boy would come to me and sometimes only sit beside me and take my hands in his and cry with me, while other times he would crawl into my lap and wipe away the tears rolling down my face and also the tears rolling down his own. I will never forget the night that, after having several rough days and nights, i was at my wits end. I lost my temper with him, yelled, spanked, shook him and put him in his room and then collasped in the floor crying. Now my mom had always told me that God would never give you more than you could handle and this had always proven true for me, but i was beginning to really question mom AND the good Lord on this particular matter. But as i sat there trying to figure out HOW I was going to manage this child by myself for the rest of my life......God showed up. Really, He did, in the form of a little blonde haired boy. Cole came in and looked at me and began to cry again. He got in my lap and in a broken sentence, he said, " i sorry..............Jesus die cross for me...you", and then he smiled, hugged me and off he went to finish his numbers. Just minutes before this, I sat there wondering how i was going to do this.........raise and manage this mentally, emotionally challenged child and keep my sanity. And in walks Cole and answers it for me........by way of the cross.......thats how. The same God that started this journey and put he and i together, was going to see he and i through each and every day. And He has. Being Cole's mom has gotten easier as he has gotten older and he can now understand and better control some of the challenges that he faces on a daily basis. We now live where he has space to run around and play and not have the distraction and lure of things that caused some of his problems. Maybe thats why this heaviness, this burden i feel is happening again, now. I think God knew my hands were full for a long time. But now i'm at a place in my life where i could do this again. My older kids say i'm too old, and i have to admit i have also questioned that. But my heart doesn't feel old.......my heart feeels heavy because of the plight of these special needs orphans but it also is full of love and it wants to be shared with one more of "the least of these." Will it happen???? Well, i'm workin on it! But for now, i'll advocate for them, i'll send what money i can (only if its $5) and i'll pray without ceasing......i'll pray that if not me again........then maybe you. Maybe you will be the one to go for Brady, or Heath, or my little Gavin. Take God's adventure.......get out of your comfort zone and say "YES".............it will be the most rewarding yes you will ever say. I promise.