Broken

•  
  

  •  Broken

  
  
  Grief and trauma, as I have learned, and the majority of it in the last several years, are two of the most mind boggling things to me I think I’ve ever seen. How they affect those they touche can be as different as night and day. What’s traumatic for one may not be as traumatic for another, or maybe even if at all. No one is the same when it comes to grieving and tragedy. But rest assured…..at some point and time in one's life…..that trauma that you experienced, whether remembered or not, it WILL rear its ugly head in one form or another if not dealt with when it happens. Self esteem, relationships, parenting, unhealthy lifestyle, fear, anger, emotional health, mental health, physical health and more can and will be affected. Just recently my world was turned upside down for a couple weeks as some trauma induced flashbacks occurred and really bad memories were brought out of the darkness of my heart and my firstborn. For her it was a breakthrough and realization of something not seen before. The realization that one of the most traumatic times of her moms life had also been that for her too. And for the first time ever……she could see it in the old photos she was looking at of our little family. Chris, her dad, Chrissy and me. She saw it on all our faces and could hear it in the loudest of louds……that being the quietness. The deafening silence of tragedy. It’s all around you but no one talks to you about it for one reason or another. Nor do you. I’m 63 years old and my heart has carried a much “unknown” heartbreak for 41 yrs. Today he is no longer unknown. His name is Lukas McCaul Lawrence. He was stillborn on July 21, 1983 after carrying him for 23 weeks. The circumstances surrounding his birth still catch me off guard and send me back to all the questions of confusion, the why and how it could have happened as it did. What we were told, and the horror of what we weren't told.  The shame and guilt I feel still haunts me at times, but thanks to my precious daughter, there has been a healing breakthrough that I can feel. Her healing has become my healing. She is my heart walking outside of my body. Grief and trauma don’t have to take up residency in one’s heart and soul. But it does have to have a safe place to go. If you’ve ever asked me how many kiddos I have, depending on when you asked me, it might have been 3, 7, or 10. But the truth is…I have one more. I have 10 living kids….and I have one waiting for me in heaven that I long to see.  Grief and trauma when carried alone can be paralyzing. But when shared with another healing is possible. Below is Chrissy’s writings concerning the little brother she never knew, and how this loss affected her at the young age of 4. I love you babe. Thank you for diggin in and helpin me to acknowledge and speak of the pain that still lives in me, but also the beauty that has come with this pain and grief. You've taught me that sometimes our stories, our pain, our struggles, if told in truth, can also bring healing to others who may need it. Together we are stronger. And that is truth. This writing is for me, it's for Chris, it's for Chrissy, it's for Luke.  And maybe it's for you if your reading this. Love hurts, but love also heals.  :)
  
  
  
  
  

   by chrisyn lawrence
  
  if you want to know why someone is the way they are…… sometimes you have to go so far back. back to the catacombs. where what’s buried is sometimes completely unknown to them or their conscious mind. but the trauma is there, still holding so tight to whatever it is that might make the hurt subside, or might make it all (including themselves) disappear.
  
  you could say i was an only child until i was eight years old. but that’s not really the full truth. when my little brother casey came along in 1986, through adoption, there was a baby boy who my mom carried and then delivered, who had died. i was four when that little boy left us before he ever drew a breath outside of my mom. and i remember parts of it, like old photographs where there’s a ring of smoke around the faded frame. mostly i remember the suffocating grief. mixed with the shame and pain my mom carried and released, like a slow leak of gas that made everything feel fuzzy and unhinged.
  
  i remember clinging to my parents after that. clinging. and clinging, to everything. so afraid of death. so afraid of more loss.
  
  my mom and i talked about some details of that loss for the first time this past summer. things i had never known. deeply painful things that my mom has carried.
  
  
  
  the grief and the loss was never processed between or by my parents, the whole time i was growing up. it felt unspeakable at that time. the way the hospital handled it, the way my mom was made to feel in those hours and days that followed the still, unmoving birth of her son……….. unspeakable. bottomless. nightmare.
  
  i never questioned my mom about it before, not wanting to bring her more pain then she had already had in her lifetime. it always felt like something that was very much hers. not mine. but the truth is, in that mysterious, invasive, all-encompassing way that tragedy and grief work, what my mom felt and carried, how she and my dad grew apart while this gaping wound grew, it seeped into my every cell and existence. now that i understand more about what happened, i can see and feel it, so clearly. how losing that baby, my brother, affected me, too.
  
  
  
  i recently gathered up a bunch of old pictures from my childhood, and it’s there…. the look on my face, and my mom’s especially…. how it changes. and i realize now, for the first time, there are no photos of her pregnant. no trace. and despite the difficulty of our home-life when i was young, and my parents being mere kids when they had me, there was joy before…. and then there was so much sadness. unyielding as it was confusing, as it (the silenced loss) tried to find its place among the living.
  
  and then my brother casey came along, when i was eight, and joy mixed with some kind of redemption was restored, while the old grief got buried deeper and deeper. but still, we were all clinging, silently, to the unwelcome misery a new day can bring. at least, i always was.
  
  if you can dare to go into the unknown depths and unearth the source of grief and trauma, you can begin to not only process it, but honor it. honoring loss and the reality of pain is one of the most healing things we can do for ourselves. and for all those we love.
  
  today, i am honoring the little brother i never knew. and how important his brief life was, to us all. my mom, my dad, me, and every little brother who came after him, who my mom has adopted. if you want to know the real reason for someone’s joy, or choices, sometimes you have to uncover the grief that lives deeply buried, which makes them choose to live the way they do.
  
  we need to be willing to see each other as more than just mere moments of emotion. there is so much to feel, so much to process and undo as we live, day to day, and year to year.
  
  what we do to cope with loss and pain is maybe more essential to who we are then what we do for a living or who and how we love. because grief, and childhood trauma informs and envelops everything that comes after it.
  
  if you want to know who i am, ask me what i’ve lost. if you want to know why i do what i do, ask me what i was afraid of as a child. and then you can begin to know, who i really am.
  
  —————
  
  this grief

  i couldn’t bare to acknowledge it, so i didn’t 

  instead i cried in a ball on the floor of the bathroom

  and counted the days like rings on a tree 

  loosing count, going back to the beginning 

  starting again as the thing grew bigger 

  and broader and 

  i couldn’t see the center - 

  all the trees were falling 

  in silent waves so heavy 

  then finally 

  mercy - 

  covered over,  

  hidden like plastic easter eggs 

  under unseen nests of death and  

  some kind of morbid peace laid  

  in the agony of holding it all quiet 

  where we hid from help 

  i couldn’t bare to acknowledge it 

   

  i don’t think you could either 

  
  
  
  
  

  --

  chrislyn rose Lawrence 

  https://chrislynroselawrence.substack.com

  www.chrislynlawrence.com 

  https://growandgazelle.com